Typical Asean
by Strikey-Chan
Summary: China's left us to our own devices. So what do we do? We create a group of course. "No, I am certainly not a woman! Why would you say something like that to me?" The Philippine mock gasped, placing her hand dramatically on her chest. "Oh, I sincerely am sorry. I've upset you? Please tell me what I've said to upset you!" An 'unusual' take on the ASEAN gang. Singapore-centric.


**Warning: Please refrain from reading this fic if you can't stand lame jokes and dry humour.**

* * *

**Chapter One**

**Idiot Introductions**

* * *

'Big brother loves you all', he said.

'Big brother cherishes you all,' he said.

Oh please. Even Britain cares about me more than you do.

Wait, pause that. Britain cares about _all of us_ more than you do.

Scumbag China.

But that's cool. Because I'm hanging out with some other nations later. And I have to keep my cool. It's essential. Very essential. Right?

I'm the first one to arrive here, which is kinda odd because I always seem to attend meetings late. But hey, my timing always depends on my mood.

"'Sup, shorty."

I swear, everybody is being such a meanie to me nowadays.

The bigger nation plomped his ass down next to me. This scumbag in particular is Malaysia. He's very close to me (heck, we're neighbours) but I'm kinda having a grudge against him right now. Six years, actually. He's been very nice, giving my country water in exchange for money and everything. And I'm grateful for that. Really, I am. But unfortunately, there's one drawback.

He's been using every opportunity he has to blackmail me. Saying how he'll cut off the water supply and shit. _**(1) **_Just to pressure me politically on purpose. ON PURPOSE. Seriously, if I had known every country was out to get you when I became official, I would have let someone else sign up for this job.

Oh look, how pretty. A vein just seemed to pop on my head just now. And I 'have' to keep quiet. Otherwise all the other big and giant nations will trample me over. It's natural for a mouse to shut their mouth, right?

_Right?_

"Why don't you start being more polite and just say 'excuse me', hah?" I muttered.

Malaysia turned his head around and sneered. "What did you say, you pipsqueak?"

"I was offering some basic manners. I can't believe someone as (cough stupid cough) smart as you doesn't know some simple rules of speaking." I replied coolly.

"Oh, you're really asking for it, aren't you Singa?" the black-haired nation gave a snicker as he placed his fist on the table.

"Bring. It. ON. Bitch." I punched my fist on the table as well in return.

Malaysia stood up. "You think you're so awesome just because you've become independent two years ago, eh?" his eyes squinted. "I doubt you can become anything with the teeny winsy piece of land you have right now."

I cracked a vein. "Shut up."

"Ooh, great comeback."

My face darkened. "Gay."

Malaysia popped a vein as well. "Shorty."

"Douchebag." I retaliated.

"Frog face."

He called _me_ a frog? Oh, this was about to get serious. "Purple sheep of Asia."

His mouth reeled back into a 'that doesn't even make sense' face. "... Homo."

"HOW _DARE_ YOU POKE FUN AT MY GENDER!" I barked, standing up.

"HOW _DARE_ YOU CALL _ME_ A PURPLE SHEEP!" Malaysia screeched in return.

* * *

"God, what are they up to right now, I wonder?" a certain female with jet black hair muttered.

"Who knows. I told them to meet with Indo at Kuala Lumpur." A nation wearing glasses freely said.

The last nation sweatdropped. "Uhh..."

And this, boys and girls, are the next three countries you will now be seeing. Featuring Indo, Thai, and Phil.

Thailand cracked a slight chuckle. "How ironic that we're holding the meeting at my place."

Philippines frowned. "I don't see anything ironic about it."

"Don't worry, Phil dear. You'll get it someday..."

Indonesia double sweatdropped. If that was even possible.

This trio – lets call them the PIT Trio just for the heck of it – were now on their way to the meeting, which in this case, was Thailand's house.

"Are we really the only ones?" Indonesia questioned. Thailand chuckled again. "Brunei was crying out that he'll join us once he's free from that demon England. As for Vietnam..." he paused, thinking of the right words to say.

"I'll convince her."

Philippines raised a brow. "Oh really now?"

Thailand's eyes narrowed. "... Someday."

At last they finally reached the front door.

And of course, you can expect them to hear the two cats meowing, lightbulbs falling, and the occasional vulgar language being thrown about here and there.

"I knew we shouldn't have left them alone." Phil remarked.

Thailand smiled in entertainment at all the noise being heard from his house.

Indonesia, however, was not amused.

"YOU'RE SO FAT, WHEN YOU WALK IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION I MISSED _THREE_ EPISODES!"

"SCUMBAG, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TV IN YOUR HOUSE!"

"WELL THEN YOU STOP MAKING FUN OF TINY PEOPLE!"

"WELL YOU YOU STOP MAKING FUN OF FAT AND GAY PEOPLE, YOU LITTLE BITC -"

"That's enough, both of you." Indonesia's stern voice rang throughout the room as he opened the door. Clearly he was _definitely_ not amused.

Malaysia was strangling Singapore while Singapore was struggling to kick the other nation in the manly part in the middle of his pants. Obviously not a pretty sight, right?

"Yucks. Get a room and not my room." Philippines muttered as she took her seat across Singapore's chair.

Thailand laughed as he went into his kitchen to take snacks.

Indonesia stared deep into Malaysia's and Singapore's souls.

The two sibling like nations paled.

_Well, shit._

* * *

As soon as we heard Indo's voice ringing through the room, both of us finally shut up. We knew better than to mess with him. He was also my neighbour – though he's closer with Malaysia rather than me. Indonesia's land is big. Not Russia-big, but still extremely bigger than mine.

"Why were you guys fighting?" said the big brother-like nation.

No answer from both of us. Philippines snickered.

"I said," He repeated. "Why were you two fighting?" He banged his fist on the table and narrowed his brown eyes onto the two of us.

I hate getting scolded. Especially from the people that I actually like. Indonesia's personality is an actual change from the era of assholes that I seem to be living in.

Malaysia spoke up first. "She started it." he said childishly.

I bit back the urge to hiss. I didn't want to piss off Indo, but I was _certainly_ pissed at Malaysia. I kept quiet, knowing that keeping quiet was the right thing to do in this situation.

Sounds of clattering and a glass breaking was then heard from the kitchen. Plus a manly scream. Philippines rolled her eyes and grudgingly got up to help the Thai man. So that left the three of us.

Indonesia folded his arms. "Singa?" he said, clearly expecting a reply from me.

This was the right time to speak. I opened my mouth, having prepared a full answer that would of course sabotage Malaysia.

"He called me a shorty. And a pipsqeuak. And a female dog." I answered.

Malaysia growled.

Suddenly we could hear Thailand's scream, Phil's groan, and some more glass breaking from the kitchen. I frowned.

Indonesia folded his arms and looked at both of us in the eye. "We are guests. This is Thailand's house, not yours. You both are not to do as you please. If by any chance you are to embarrass yourself here, let's all meet up back at my place instead and we'll have some rice and fried eggs, alright?" he suggested, smiling.

I sweatdropped. That was... In other words, codename for 'If by any chance you screw yourselves up here, let's go back to my kitchen and let me put things in your mouth. Would you like onions or chilli?'

"We're sorry, Indonesia." I said, lowering my head slightly. I could tell Malaysia was tempted to let out a 'pfft'. The stern face of Indonesia's softened.

Sparkles filled the larger nation's eyes. Sad dramatic music played in the background. "... I guess that's alright then. Then promise me," he paused just for dramatic effect, "to never ever fight ever -"

Loud footsteps broke the scene.

The familiar Thai man's voice rang throughout the room, interrupting Indonesia's sentence. "Sorry for the slight delay!" he chuckled. "What did I miss?"

"Oh nothing, nothing." Malaysia replied, waving a casual hand. "Nothing that was important. Now, are we going to start this meeting or not?"

Thailand raised a brow. "... Yeah, of course. Just wait for Phil and we can talk while having snacks soon." That being said, he passed around food of plates, snacks and of course drinks.

I took a sip out of my milo. Damn. I wish I could eat _roti prata_ right now.

Indonesia seemed to be staring into space. Malaysia was trying hard to keep his food manners and not stuff himself up, for all I cared. My attention, however, was focused solely on the black mynah standing on the perch of a branch outside of a window.

The mynah was guarding something that seemed to be it's nest, I think. The black-feathered creature gave a loud squawk before flying off, leaving it's children to helplessly fend for themselves.

Well doesn't that sound familiar.

_Big brother loves you all._

_Big brother will come back, I promise._

Bitch please. Don't think all of us are stupid. You're just a liar.

A big, fat liar.

… Fatter than America, really.

Though he's not really that fat.

"Sorry I took so long in the washroom," the long-haired Philippino emerged from the kitchen's front entrance, muttering and also breaking me apart from my thoughts.

I munched on a sandwhich. "No problem."

Phil took her seat, grabbing a dumpling as she did so. She stared intently at the man next to her. "So, uh... Thailand..."

"Hmm? So can we start the meeting now?" the Thai man asked as he nibbled.

"No, umm..." Philippines fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat. "Can I ask you a question?"

Malaysia's ears pricked.

"Yeah, sure."

Phil's face darkened. "Thailand..." she started.

"Yes?"

"Why do you have so many pictures of Vietnam in your cabinet? And why the hell are there so many pieces of papers with the names Mr. and Mrs. Chao_** (2)**_ everywhere?" The Philippino questioned.

My head, as well as Malaysia's and Indonesia's, shot up.

Thailand's face lit up as red as a roman candle. "Wh-what! PFFT, what the heck are you talkin' 'bout, Phil? There's no way I'd do that! Something as shameless as – PFFT, wh -"

Too bad Thailand-bro. It's too late now.

"You collect Vietnam's pictures? You sick bastard!" I revolted, my face turning into a disgusted one.

Indonesia folded his arms. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. I'm disappointed in you."

Phil was (clearly) enjoying herself. The Thai man's face shriveled into agony. "Please, listen to me!"

"SHAME THE NON BELIEVER! SHAME! SHAME!" Malaysia screeched, standing up.

The poor Thai man cried, dropping to his knees.

Suddenly the front door slammed open. Out emerged a young teen who looked a little bit younger than me with a red headband that came popping out. His hair was at shoulder-level, and it looked as if his hair was also dyed and tinted.

"_Abang_!_** (3)**_ _Abang_, I - " the teen stopped midway once he saw Thailand at his knees, crying his heart out. His eyes meeped itself. "... Did I come at a wrong time?"

"Yes. Very." Indonesia muttered. Malaysia looked in wonder at the child-like person who was staring at him. "Why are you here, Johor?"

And so we introduce the next nation right here …

Yeah, you can pretty tell it's Malaysia's little brother.

Johor walked to his brother's seat and held up something that looked like a piece of fabric. "Sup, '_bang. _Sorry to say this, but I think you took my piece of underwear -"

"_Did you come all the way here just to tell me this?"_ The bigger nation snatched the undergarment from Johor, looking flustered.

"Well... Didn't you feel that it was tight around your butt? I'll be going home now then," the cheerful teen said, turning around. "Bye Singa, bye Phil, bye Indon!"

And then he got out.

"Gosh, why can't he just stay home..." Malaysia clicked his tongue.

Thailand brought his knees up and internally cried. "He didn't say goodbye to me..."

Philippines rubbed her temples. "Thailand, you're recently acting – _not_ like how a man should be. Do you think you can win Viet's heart with this?"

I, being the youngest, cocked my head. "Does that mean you're saying Thailand-bro is acting like a woman?"

Thailand suddenly stood up, catching everyone's surprise. He placed his hands on his hips and arched his back. His eyes narrowed. OOC-ness was going to get down.

"No, I am certainly _not _a woman! Why would you say something like that to me? That's just plain rude!"

Philippines mock gasped, placing her hand dramatically on her chest. "Oh, I sincerely am sorry. I've upset you? Please tell me what I've said to upset you!"

Thailand bit his lip, trying to stop any tears that would decide to fall down at that particular moment. "It's not what you said – it's just the way you said it. It just cuts me so deep, you know! I'm the one who assembled this meeting and all you guys ever do is insult me. I for one, am sick of it."

Malaysia chewed his lip so hard. "Holy crap. You're turning into a woman."

… Silence.

"How can you say something like that to me! I am your dear friend! Why -"

"Can we please just shut up and start the purpose of this meeting right here, right now?" I said, rubbing my temples.

"I agree with Singa." Philippines folded her arms.

Indonesia sighed in frustration. "Thailand," he pleaded. "Please hurry up and finish this. I just can't wait any longer. Just _do it._"

… Another silence.

"... That is the gayest thing I have ever heard. Especially since I'm the one who everybody calls gay!" Malaysia pursed his lips.

"Ignoring that comment, and of course ignoring Thailand – wait wait I'm not ignoring this." I placed a fist on the table.

Thailand basically returned from OOC-ness and sat down. He gave a quiet cough, not allowing me to continue. "Alright then, continuing from our last legit conversation – even though we technically didn't have any – let me tell you about why I've gathered all of you here,"

Malaysia grunted. "Finally."

"... I, Thailand, has been thinking about creating a group."

One more silence.

Everyone didn't speak. Mainly because they were speechless that Thailand – THE Thailand – had actually wanted to create a group. And the group that consisted of the most unsuitable members ever.

Someone raised a hand.

"So alliance or homies?"

* * *

**Chapter One – End**

**[Footnotes]**

_**He's been using every opportunity he has to blackmail me. Saying how he'll cut off the water supply and shit. (1)**_

**I took this from Wikipedia.**

_**"Why do you have so many pictures of Vietnam in your cabinet? And why the hell are there so many pieces of papers with the names Mr. and Mrs. Chao (2) everywhere?" The Philippino questioned.**_

**Thailand-bro's human (fanon) name is Kasem Chao.**

_**"Abang! (3) Abang, I - " the teen stopped midway once he saw Thailand at his knees, crying his heart out. His eyes meeped itself. "... Did I come at a wrong time?"**_

**'Abang' means 'big brother' in Malay. I'm a Singaporean who's of that race X)**

**[End of Footnotes]**

* * *

**Wowee. My first Hetalia fic.**

**I don't seriously think that Malaysians are fat or gay, really. I love them. X) Just needed to put in some fail humour in there.**

**I was flipping through my social studies book when I saw a timeline on ASEAN and got some inspiration running through my head.**

**I always imagined Phil to be the sarcastic and humourous kind of character. And sorry for anyone who's pissed at Indo being a male - I never did see him as a girl! Same goes for Malaysia DX**

**I could picture Singapore and Malaysia being siblings and stuff... Fighting over candy and stuff... Malaysia being an over protective big bro and stuff...**

**So yeah.**

**If anyone says my jokes are lame, I will take that on a personal note and rewrite this.**

**I'm doin' it.**

**- Strikey Chan**


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